Shackleton: Of Murder and Fishy Tales

Another intriguing incident occurred on Day 10, when Huey, our kayaking instructor paddled out to meet two local fishermen on their boat, and returned with about 5 fishes that they caught. The minute we saw the fishes, our jaws immediately dropped and eyes opened wide, while our memory of our wonderful 'sea-world' experience of snorkeling, slowly became distorted and twisted. Because lo and behold, there right in front of us, were 5 dead (1 almost dead) fishes, all of which we had seen just moments before, swimming with fishes that looked just like them. The beautiful rainbow colored parrot fishes full of life were suddenly either dead or worse, alive and breathing abnormally. Before most of us could recover from that city-kid shock, the Captain handed us with knives and a chopping board, to descale and gut the fishes.

To me, this was a rather interesting experience and incident, because it really made me reflect upon issues like food ethics, and I could tell by the looks on their faces, that the rest of the team had begun to think about it too.

When we were presented with the knives and chopping board, there were cries and protests of "but I can't kill a fish, I just saw its kind just now, that's murder!", or "ew that's disgusting, i'm not going to touch that fish", some automatically vowed to go vegetarian because they couldn't bear the thought of committing the 'murderous' act, - the list was endless.

Thinking about the situation for awhile, I decided that, despite my initial aversion to descaling and gutting the unusually beautiful colored fishes (unlike the fishes we have at home on a plate), I would give it a try, because I felt that I had a sort of responsibility to do it, and for several reasons; Firstly, the fishes were already caught and dead, and by refusing to descale/gut/cook and eat them, we would only be wasting their lives. But beyond that practical reason, I began to reflect upon consumer culture that we so blindly experience and accept everyday at home in the city. Surely, I thought, it would be much better to eat these fish that have been caught by local fishermen, as compared to the fish we get at home, which may probably come from mass-production fish farms, where the fish are enclosed in small spaces. We at least know that the fish that we were going to eat were caught from the open waters, without the use of any chemicals or genetically modified fish foods (that may exist in our fish and meat at home).
All these thoughts made me realize how living in a city is sometimes like living in a synthetic bubble, where we make a face at anything "gross", bloody, flopping around, or basically, anything real, living only within our bubble where food comes packaged in little plastic boxes or where fish is laid out nicely on ice, where we are very much detached from our food, or any other product we consume. We very rarely bother to question just where our food comes from, who produces that food, what it took to bring that food to our tables, and what effect all the answers to those questions may have on us consumers.
By deciding the descale and gut the fish, it felt almost symbolic and meaningful to me, in a sense that I felt that I was taking responsibility as a consumer.

Another thought going through my mind during the time of the flopping fish up on deck was in response to what a lot of people were saying, about "feeling guilty" and "i'm sorry fish" and so on. My mother told me a true story of an indigenous tribe in Malaysia (Temiars i think) and how they hunt for food. Hunters would go out into the forest and sing a special song that would go:

Abang Pelanduk, Abang Pelanduk (Brother Deer), 

May I kill you?

They would then return home, and in the night, they would receive the answer from the mouse deer that they wished to hunt in their dreams. If, in the dream, the mouse deer said "yes, you may kill me, because you have to feed your family", the hunter would go out and kill the mouse deer, bringing it home for his family. Remembering this story at the time of the fish incident, I responded to my friends, telling them that we shouldn't feel sorry or guilty about the fish, and we should instead thank it, for proving us with good food for our dinner. 

I don't mean to say that we should have to say thank you to every single dish at our tables (though honestly, that doesn't sound like too bad an idea:), but what I mean to say is that there are so many lessons that we can learn from stories like the indigenous Temiars and their relationship with their natural environment and the animals within it. They hunt, not just for fun, but because food is a necessity and they need to feed their families. How many times have I bought something because I really really needed it? The Temiars also show us the significance of killing the animal you will eat yourself, with your own hands, as, like I mentioned, it is symbolic of taking responsibility for taking its life. So I really feel very strongly that it's not at all about going vegetarian because you are repulsed by your dying food, but it is really more about being a conscious consumer, and taking the effort to know where your food comes from, the process of getting it to your table, and using that information to then make well-informed, ethical and and conscious choices about what you choose to consume, perpetuate and support. Again, what Shackleton has taught me once again, is how I am the captain of my own soul, and I can make my own choices, remembering that, even if these choices may not be popular among the masses, I will stand my ground and stick to my beliefs. 

Shackleton: Bonfire

The Camping / Scrambling Debate 

The 8th day into the Shackleton expedition probably constituted one of the those times that really forced me to think hard our previous 8 days, and one of the things that I was challenged to review was the act of standing my ground, and standing our ground as a team.

The 8th day was rather a interesting experience for me. Our initial plan for the evening was to kayak over to a nearby island where we would hold a bonfire and camp for the night, returning to the schooner the next morning. The Captain recommended that the next day, we could scramble up onto Moon Rock, but if we wanted to do so, we'd have to wake up early to leave the lagoon in time. 

I can't remember how exactly it started, but this ended up with a debate and taking a vote, for those who wanted to camp only, scramble only or do both. There was a big debate and with strong perspectives arguing for each choice. Most of those who wanted to camp only wanted to stick to our original plan to camp, and did not want to wake up at 4 in the morning to kayak and then scramble. Most of those who wished to scramble only didn't want to camp at the beach, quoting the Captain's words on the number of sandflies if camping on the beach, though they wanted to have the bonfire. The remaining others including myself, voted to do both, for reasons which I'll explain later.

In the midst of our very heated discussion, one of our teacher mentors with us raised a very intriguing question, a thought that I have had at the back of my mind. The question was;

How willing would you be 

to change your plans to adjust 

to suit other people's plans and opinions? 

This episode in the expedition challenged our (or at least my) sense of self and groundedness. Was this not a leadership expedition, and are leaders not supposed to have a  strong sense of direction and a strong sense of self? Why were we so easily swayed by other people's opinions and why did we let other people throw us off the path that we were initially determined to embark on? 

It could have been our experience with the working with the Captain on board for 8 days, or perhaps it really was our Pirates Of The Carribean-influenced perception of how the Captain has complete power, knowledge and infinite wisdom. But whatever the cause, the fact of that all, or at least most of us, were swayed to change our plans because of someone else (even if just for a minute), despite the fact that we planned and prepared for camping, bringing the tents and camping gear. 

It was only later on at the bonfire that night, that I finally understood what the Shackleton Expedition meant (or at least what it meant for me). 

(A little bit late to realize my purpose there, being already 8 days into the journey, but it's never too late). Before that night, I quite honestly had my doubts about whether the expedition was challenging me enough, because unlike GPS and Seribuat, I didn't feel the same feeling of being pushed out of my comfort zone, thinking that it would have been even more trying than our previous sea expeditions. 

During our discussion at the bonfire, I came to the realization that the Shackleton expedition had hit me in such a different way from other expeditions like GPS and kayaking. Unlike those instances, I realized that Shackleton, being a leadership expedition, was actually presenting us with a challenge that we didn't recognize, because we weren't explicitly told or directly presented with the challenge to say: "Hi, welcome to Shackleton, where the aim is to... and where you will be doing... and after which you will all return feeling...". As mentioned in my third post, I began to think about other things like spontaneity and initiative. Do I, whether I am a leader or not, need to be told where to go and what to do, and what outcomes I shall leave with? Do I merely follow any figure of authority forgetting about what I really wanted to do and the path that I wanted to follow? Do I really need to wait for someone to push me before I go for it? 

All these questions came to mind that evening, and it was then when I realized that to me, the Shackleton Expedition could be summed up in 1 famous phrase, from William Ernest Henley's poem Invictus: 

I am the Captain of my Soul.

Throughout the expedition, I kept asking myself what the expedition was really about, and finally I came to realize that it was for us to define it. Before then, I was having my doubts about the expedition, feeling that it wasn't stretching me, and that it wasn't as intense as I thought it would be. But then I finally understood that it was my responsibility to make it as intense as I wanted it to be. Shackleton really made me become very aware of just how much of a voice each and every one of us has (but does not utilize). It taught me the importance of creating my own experiences and my own opportunities, and to be in charge of my learning, helming my own life. It also taught me about staying grounded and standing up for what I truly believe in, even if it's hard or unpopular. 

Shackleton: Lessons from Nature

As mentioned in the previous post, the Shackleton expedition really forced me to review my leadership style, challenging me to directly confront the flaws in me that I have always pushed to the back of my mind (like feeling uncomfortable to speak my mind in fear of being 'wrong' or not having anyone agree with my opinion). Now, looking back with a slightly clearer mind, I've come to realize that during my past 3 years of being a (visible) leader in school (in the Senate and in LeAd) as well as a scholar, I had been under the impression that a person with such 'titles' was expected to always be right, without fail. I've always thought about these issues throughout the years, but I've never actually confronted them, and talked about my fears, flaws and weaknesses with other people (who, god forbid, might judge me), as I have done during Shackleton. 
This experience of thoroughly reviewing my notions of what it means to be a leader, to be an initiator, to be genuine and grounded, has made not only made me consciously change the way I lead, but also change how I am in class, taking the initiative to be in control of my own learning, where I am no longer so caught up about getting the "right answer". And I truly believe that one of the factors that helped me come to this realization was Nature. 

Image from patsiesmith.blogspot.com

For me, experiences whereby I immerse myself in nature have always left a deep impact on me, often bringing about the process of not just physical but self-discovery. While the natural worlds may at first seem very external to ourselves and detached from our lives, I've always felt that humans share an intimate relationship with nature, which is unfortunately not realized. 

Diverting a bit, I've had the greatest pleasure to hear my friend Becky share about her ceramics artworks, which were inspired by the natural environment. One of her lines that really caught my attention was when she said that; (in my own words)

so often, we talk about how human beings impact nature. 

But we rarely talk about the impact that nature has on us. 

I could not agree with her more. We always talk on and on about how humans are destroying the planet, how we are contributing to global warming , and how we must now save the planet because if we don’t come to her rescue, planet Earth will die. While I don’t say this as disrespect to the many various environmental groups that are doing genuine hard work with passion, I also strongly feel that we seem to have forgotten how our relationship with the natural environment is one that goes two ways, the most simple of relationships being how trees in nature serve provide us with the very oxygen that we need to survive. Just as we impact nature, nature impacts us – and in many positive ways too.

Relating this belief to my experience with our Shackleton expedition (as with similar experiences in other expeditions), I’ve found that expeditions, which seek to challenge us, not just in physically strenuous activity but also in terms of looking within ourselves and overcoming our fears (like fears of heights, like the 80metre rock we climbed), go hand in hand with the element of nature, be it the wilderness or the open sea, which also coaxes us to reflect upon the lives that we lead and the values, thoughts and ideologies that we live by. Expeditions and the Natural Environment go hand in hand and together, they really act as catalysts to reflect and review our lives, just as how I have examined and reviewed mine.

And this belief can be related to leadership too. I am a strong believer that in order to lead others, you have to first and foremost lead yourself. I remember having to pass by this primary school near my old HDB flat on my way to school when I was younger, and I looked up at their motto strung on banners and their walls that said “Putting others before yourself”, and everytime I walked past, I would shake my head and mutter to myself a response in disagreement. In a sense, I could say I live by the rules of every airplane safety video, when they instruct each passenger to put on their own oxygen mask first before helping their child. I’ve diverted a lot, but the point I would like to make is that while it is important for me to care for the wellbeing of other people, I first need to care for my own wellbeing. Once I can build a relationship with myself, can I then build relationships with other people.

Relating this point to nature, and how nature has the power to impact our lives, I believe, based on Shackleton and other past experiences, that connecting with nature helps me connect more with myself. In all these experiences, I always feel that I find myself when I am surrounded by nature. Maybe it’s because being surrounded by nothing but the open sea and sky gives me peace of mind, tranquility or just simply knowing that there are things bigger than myself, which as I always say, is a very humbling experience.  And I think that all these beliefs I have developed from my numerous expedition or nature experiences, from OSL/GPS Sumatra to Seribuat Kayaking to my ‘Green Beans’ CAS walks, and kayaking, sailing, snorkeling and scrambling during Shackleton, have shaped the kind of leader that I am now.

Being immersed in the natural environment has taught me that life is not linear, and there are no straight lines in nature. It has taught to how different types of living things are interconnected and share symbiotic relationships, and all these values from nature have slowly begun to shape the way I see leadership. I tend to be slightly more laid back as a leader, less controlling and perhaps more adaptable when new ideas and perspectives come in. I know that beyond the heavy workload of the IB and of being in the LeAd, or all the deadlines due, leadership to me at the end of the day, entails a system of (human) relationships, just like in nature, and I think that it is that belief of maintaining and nurturing my relationships with my peers and team members that makes me the kind of leader that I am today.

Shackleton: Reviewing notions of Leadership

Out of the Puking came the Pondering

It was only one day into the expedition, and we were barely on our way to our first destination (Pulau Bawah) and I was already puking off the side of the schooner and feeling miserable. When I look back at that whole day when I quite literally didn't do anything except try to sleep it off, I can still remember the many thoughts that were rushing through my head, and quite interestingly, these unconscious thoughts had a lot to do with my notions of leadership. It's amazing really, how much pondering one can who while puking. 

Because I wasn't feeling too good and had to lie down for most of the day, I didn't participate in any of the activities on board that day, like putting up the sails. I still remember lying on deck and watching all my friends, through half-closed eyes, as they ran up to the bow wrestling with the sails and then back down to the stern helming, jotting in the logbook and navigating with the GPS and compass. And the only thing I was thinking was, "I'm not doing anything at all. Everyone's doing something useful on the schooner and I'm just lying here because I'm puking and it's only the first day". I kept comparing myself to everyone else, and I just couldn't help thinking why I was so easily weakened, when I was supposed to be physically strong, comparing that moment to my other experiences from EXE classes every week to trekking in GPS and OSL, and 90km of kayaking in Seribuat where I was never the first person to fall - so why am I the first one down now? 

To cut my long train of thought short, during that first day, I kept rethinking my capabilities, as an individual as well as a leader, when I saw everyone so strong, active and almost unaffected by sea sickness. 

A couple of starry nights later, I looked back at that experience and I began to review my idea and understanding of leadership. What I realized was that for the longest time, I have always associated being a leader with a very obvious physical presence. I've always known that there are other forms of leadership, like leading from behind, personal leadership and so on. But it was really during the Shackleton expedition that made me realize my strong subconscious belief that the most effective leadership is leading from the front. This expedition, along with my experience in the SOTA Leadership Academy really challenged not just my ideas about leadership but also made me review and start to change the manner in which I lead, be it through my capacity as a LeAd member, an expedition teammate, or just through my capacity as a human being. 

Throughout most of my school life at SOTA, I've realized that I have 2 personalities, so to speak. Many people often notice that I am a different person when I am in a typical everyday setting, like a classroom, and when I am presenting, performing or given some sort of mutually recognised platform and a title that 'allows' me to speak up. I've noticed that I find it very easy to talk and share my opinion when I am given the opportunity or when I have the 'title', so to speak, to do so. (or when i am specifically asked to speak). Speaking out in my capacity as the president of the LeAd for example, is a very different experience for me as compared to speaking out in a typical class setting. 

Part of the reason for this ease is that I am given the ability to prepare what to say and I am also given the space to speak, such that when I do speak, I know that my I will not "say something stupid".
But one of the lessons that expeditions like Shackleton remind me of is that I do not always have obvious control given to me. And this was really one of the major learning points and wake up calls from this expedition; which is that it is up to me to create my own experience, and that I can only learn and lead as much as I allow myself to do. I do not need to wait for anyone to call upon me to speak up. 

These ideas of leadership and initiative are not new to me - and as any other student, anytime I've heard the ideas above, I've always thought, 'of course, that's how it should definitely be'. But I have come to realize that while the saying 'walk the talk' is definitely easy to say, agree to, ponder upon and write reflections about, it was actually not that easy for me. I will have to admit now that, as of the time before the Shackleton expedition, I don't think I had been living up to that saying, and Shackleton really made me realise that there is so much more that I can do, as a person, before a leader. 

From: http://blsciblogs.baruch.cuny.edu/gimmeshelter/2013/02/12/sail-away-from-the-safe-harbor-stream-of-conciseness/